I’m slowly coming to terms with myself…
(this was written a while ago… I’ve finally had the strength to put it up…)
But that doesn’t mean I’m any less afraid of my future than I was yesterday.
It’s time to come clean with you guys… It’s about time you guys knew exactly what’s running through my head… But bare with me, because I’m not even quite sure yet….
I’m afraid. I’m terrified of the future, of tomorrow, of going out, of changing, of becoming someone else other than what I am right now. But at the same time, I am begging for the change, because what I am right now is so fake.
read on
I want to go do things that my parents wouldn’t approve of.
I want to take that risk of saying yes to a guy that I know will be no good for me, for the very reason that I may become exposed to new things.
I curse at God every single night and tell Him that I am through pretending to believe in Him and I’m through praying to someone who never responds. (I believe there something or someone out there… Just not sure if they listen very well)
read on
I hate watching my friends leave me behind and get into the things that I want to do. I look upon them and I silently curse at them angrily, but I never stop smiling.
99.9% of the time you see me smiling I am actually crying
When I’m at home, I sit on my bed staring into space because no matter what I do, nothing can rid of my empty thoughts.
I lie when I say am I okay. I am never trully happy. Happiness doesn’t come around for me anymore.
No matter what I draw, there is a hint of my depression in it.
When you text me, the possibility of me actually crying is quite high; can you tell?
I don’t really have anyone to turn to with my troubles… Only this blog. (I might now, but I find it so hard to talk to people… I don’t want to be a burden… I get so nervous talking about my feelings)
No matter what you say, I really am alone. No matter how much you say that you love me, it won’t change the fact that I will always be the last resort. (YOu know it is true, your second guessing yourself right now, and thinking about someone else that is more important to you than me)
I hate when people come to me about their problems… I never know what to say and I hate BSing people with a half assed answer.
Sometimes my heart literally will start hearting… Like literally, sometimes it feels like its being crushed and it becomes hard to breath. (I have heart problems, I have come to terms with this fact)
I talk about myself a lot for a big reason and that’s because I’m trying find light in myself… I’m not really narcisistic… I’m not really full of myself… I’m just trying to find myself and the best way for me to do that is to talk about myself…
My personality is molded by what you guys seem to need and want from me… Not by what I want to be… If I become what my heart really is, I promise you that you won’t want to talk to me anymore.
I’m afraid of you guys reading this… Will you hate me?
I don’t believe in God… I’ve come to terms with this a while ago… I just haven’t told anyone yet… Did you pick up that I don’t have a religon on my FB account… Not that that counts for anything I suppose.
Sometimes I try and drop hints that I really am not happy… I don’t think you guys ever really see that…
I’m afraid still, I’m starting to shake and it’s becoming hard to type…
I actually get frustrated easily. And when I seem calm, when nothing seems to ever boter me, I’m actually bothered… Sometimes even the smallest things can make me tear up… That’s how frustrated I get. (I have serious destructive thoughts, it’s pretty bad)
The only thing keeping me alive is fear… Not my family
read on
I cry frequently over rubbish (I’ve become emotional)
I cried when I told you that I didn’t
I hate when people assume that I always have time… I hate when people think everything comes easy for me… I’m stupid and nothing comes easy…
read on
I’ve never cut myself before, (I have faint scars) but I have sat down with my knees drawn close to my chest and my nails stuck into my skin because that’s the only way to stop my heart from ripping itself out from my chest.
I’m afraid to killl myself… I’m a coward…
Whenever I stand up for a friend, I am actually shivering on the inside and sometimes I regret doing it, because the experience was so frightening…
I hate guys… No, I’m not gay… But I hate their empty words and sweet nothings… I hate hearing them… People tell me I am lucky because I attract so many guys… Sometimes I feel like throwing this so call beauty I have onto those people, just so they can realize that the attention isn’t all what it makes itself out to be.
I surround myself around guys despite my hating them because, like a hypocrit, I want to be the center of attention.
I’ve stopped writing this several times to rethink everything, because I don’t want you seeing me without my masks… I feel exposed and I want to take it all back… But I don’t want to be fake anymore…
Do you hate me yet?
Can you still accept me?
The next time you see me, what will you say?
How will you look at me?
Instead of seeing a strong minded girl, will you finally see me as the frail little thing that I really am? I’m weak and pitiful. I don’t fit in and I don’t deserve you.
… Is it possible to still be accepted by all of you, despite all my emotional deformaties?
